I have heard a number of different speakers at graduation exercises and most if not all have made the point that commencement is not so much the end of something as the beginning of something: the beginning of the real business of life, they are apt to say, of the moment when you start putting into practice the ancient truths and pieties that education has been trying to instill in you all these years.

But this is a baccalaureate sermon so I am not bound by any of the conventions and can start out by saying that tomorrow’s commencement is also the end of something — Thanks be to God! — that the month of June is not only the threshold of a new summer, a new beginning, but that it is also a time of goodbyes. For underclassmen it is just goodbye until September of course, but the goodbyes that you seventy-five seniors say can be goodbyes for years to come or maybe even forever. And for the benefit of any jaded seniors who think forever is not half long enough, let me remind you that in the end there is something a little sad and a little fateful about the end of anything, even something that you are fed up with and eager to leave, because deep down any goodbye there is something of the last goodbye of all.

What I am saying about graduating can also be said about any given moment of our lives because every new moment we come to no matter how trivial it may look is the end, the goal, to which all of our earlier moments have been leading. The sermon that I am preaching to you this evening is the product of everything that I have said and done and been up to this point, just as your reaction to it is the product of everything that you have said and done and been. From moment to moment we are constantly creating ourselves, you and I, and we are also creating our future, our destinies. We are responsible for who we are and for who we are becoming, and life will hold us responsible, so be careful. Be careful.

I don’t suppose a parent has ever put someone they love on a train without saying, just before the whistle blows and the cars start to move out, “Take care of yourself, take care.” This is part of the language of goodbyes. And since in some measure I’ve been given the privilege at this moment to speak to you on behalf of the Saint Andrew’s family, this address is a goodbye to you. So I say to you now, Take care of yourselves, and in just this sense: know, recognize the terrible and wonderful freedom you have to become almost any kind of person you want to become. And then, once you recognize this freedom, be careful not to give it away too unthinkingly.

What I mean is that when you choose to become a certain kind of person, to follow a certain way of life, to enter a certain profession, by that very choice you cancel out a number of other possible choices. In other words, if you choose to become a surgeon, say, you pretty much give up the possibility of becoming a concert pianist because you have only so much time and energy, and you cannot be in two places at once. You have to choose between them, and the price that you pay for one is the giving up of the other. This is inevitable and it is also obvious, but sometimes the price that your choice costs is just as inevitable but not so obvious, and this is where you have to be so careful with your life.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. Suppose that you decide in your freedom that what you want to become most is a successful businessman. First of all, on the same obvious level, that decision immediately limits your freedom to become lots of other things, an actor, for instance, or a psychiatrist. But that is all right, because you are not keen on acting or psychiatry anyway, so this is a price you’re willing to pay for your choice.

All right. But suppose you want to become a successful businessman in a community that, like all communities, has some very definite ideas about the way people are supposed to behave. It is equally obvious that in order to succeed in this place you are going to have to adapt yourself to this code of behavior. And what does that involve?

First of all, there is the whole realm of the relatively trivial — the way you speak, the way you dress, the kind of house you live in, the car you drive and so forth. If your ambition is to become a partner in a conservative law firm, for example, you do not show up for work wearing a nose-ring and a poncho, and you do not speak like a character out of Jack Kerouac. But after all, you do not really care that much about what kind of clothes you wear, and you would not know how to speak like a character out of Jack Kerouac even if you wanted to, so here is another price, another limitation of your freedom, that is certainly fair enough.

But then suppose that the community which you have chosen to succeed in has some rather strong prejudices in matters a good deal less trivial than dress. The chances are that they are kept discreetly out of sight, but it is nonetheless very apparent indeed that if you really want to get ahead here, you just do not try to sell your house to a devout Muslim when you move into a bigger place yourself.

Here of course the problem can become a little stickier, especially if the Muslim you would like to sell your house to is a good man and a good friend who really needs that house. Or even if he is not, to succeed in this community means that you have just got to shut yourself off to a whole world of potential friends, people who are interested in the same kinds of things that you are, who laugh at the same kind of nonsense, who are hurt by the same kind of callousness and are different only ideologically. You may not like it very much, but if success here is what you are after more than anything else, then this is another part of the price that you have to pay: the giving up of the freedom to choose your own friends.

And if success at any cost is what you are really after, it can get even more expensive than that. Because what does it actually mean if you choose as your primary goal in life to advance yourself, whether in business, medicine, music or what have you? It means that to the degree to which you are dedicated to that goal — and there is not one of us who is not dedicated to it in some measure — you use anything that comes your way as a means of achieving it, and that includes other human beings.

If someone stands in the way of my self-advancement, if he wants the same job that I want, I eliminate him by fair means if I am able but by foul if I am not. If someone is a Muslim whose friendship becomes a handicap to me in the world where I am trying to get ahead, I drop him as a friend. If someone is in a position to give me the power that I want, then I disguise myself to look and act and speak as much like the kind of person whom I think they will find endearing as I can. In other words, I use them for my own ends. But there is one thing that always happens when you use other people. There is an inevitable price for using them: you lose your freedom to be yourself with them.

I should make something clear here by the way. Up to here I have been speaking about using other people to advance yourself in your profession or your status in the community because that is one of the most obvious forms it takes. But of course there are a great many less obvious forms as well. Take the matter of sex, for instance. On the one hand the sexual relationship between man and woman can be the ultimately creative expression of a love in which each loses yet at the same time finds themselves in the other. Yet it is also true that human sexuality more than perhaps any other aspect of our nature can lead someone to use another person for his own self-gratification. And instead of being creative this is extremely destructive both for the one who is used and for the one who uses because it is an inexorable law of human nature that you cannot dehumanize another person without at the same time dehumanizing yourself.

And if sex can be a form of using people in the interests of self, so can a parent’s love for a child — and this is possibly more dangerous because it is much more apt to be considered respectable and much less apt to be fully conscious. I mean a mother’s clasping her child so closely to her in order to ease the pain of her own loneliness that the child’s emotional growth is retarded, or a father’s loving his son not for the sake of his son but as an extension of his own ego.

But the one thing that is always to one degree or another involved in using people, whatever form it takes, is that you can never afford to open your heart to the person whom you are using. You can never risk letting that person know you fully, because the moment you do so the game is up. And yet you want to be known; you want to be known and accepted for what you really are more, perhaps, than you want anything else in the world.

So your dedication to your own self-advancement separates you from the people you exploit just as decisively as it does from the people you alienate and the friends you drop. And, mark this: it also separates you from yourself. It separates you from yourself in just the sense that with the people you use, you can never be fully yourself but have to pretend to be someone else, and the more people you are using the more places this is so until finally you are not really yourself anywhere.

And then one of two things happens. One possibility is that you lose track of who you really are. One of the trademarks of our age is the person who has lost his identity — who for the sake of success or maybe just for the sake of security has spent so much time trying to become like what he believes people want that he can no longer be sure who he really is. Or the other possibility (and maybe this is worse): you do not lose track of your real identity, but behind the mask you wear, you grow lonely and stunted and anxious in your own isolation.

In both cases, one crucial paradox emerges. The more zealously you are dedicated to the cause of advancing yourself, the less self you have to advance. The more people you use, the less people you can love, because to love a person for herself is exactly the opposite of using her for yourself. Yet to love and be loved is a yearning even more profound than the yearning to advance, to gratify, to secure the self. As Jesus said, “He who seeks to save his soul will lose it.”

So be careful with your precious lives. Be careful not to give away your terrible and wonderful freedom unthinkingly. Be careful especially not to give away your freedom to be yourselves, to see yourselves fulfilled as the human beings God wants you to be. Be careful when you choose the road that you will follow to be aware of all the other roads you will no longer be able to follow.

Henry James is remembered as a great writer, but it was something he said to his nephew Billy, the son of his brother William, as he was putting Billy on a train at Penn Station in New York that Billy would spend the rest of his life remembering him by. “Billy,” he said, kissing the boy on the forehead and holding his face in his hands, “there are three things most important in life. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” Of all the words to ever come from this most labyrinthine of writers these are the ones Billy always remembered.

Be kind. That is another way of saying Be careful. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Do not live just for yourself, not simply because to do so is wrong but because to do so is death. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and love your neighbor as yourself not simply because to do so is right but because to do so is life.